“Why the Sour Face?” is a question I get several times a day, from the same two people.
Every day, they tell me to change up my attitude, because it’s harshing their mellow (btw, not their actual words, but that’s the gist of it).
Every day I get told my life is gonna suck if I don’t display a more open/likeable/less moody version of myself.
Every day, they tell me I better change. Fake it ’till you make it, they suggest.
And Every Bloody Day I ask myself How On Earth I Am Supposed to Look HAPPIER, or Not Look So Sour or Turn The Blank Look of Blankness into A Happy Facial Expression.
And when I try (because God knows I do, even if it’s not when They are near me), I seriously WANT IT TO BE REAL. And I want it to not feel like I am faking it, because then I’m back to square one.
It’s come to mind that maybe I’m listening to too much SAD music like The Smiths, Death Cab for Cutie (because let’s face it: their music inspires tears and an overwhelming feeling of inadequacy/emptiness through its beauty), Hall & Oates and Adele (same reason as Death Cab, I guess…), so I’ve cut back in my music-listening habits. I’ve given Fun. a shot, and I’ve been listening to maybe too much Katy Perry and avoiding Taylor Swift at all costs (but for a different reason altogether). But nothing.
I though that maybe I was watching too much depressing stuff on TV (like Bones?) but I haven’t really watched anything Emotionally Wrenching lately, except for THE POND EPISODE all the way back in FRACKING SEPTEMBER. The rest has been the occasional SNL, or Ben & Kate, or whatever people want to watch after dinner. But still.
Today during lunch, my father had one of his Passionate Outbursts in Re: My Sourness/ Attitude Problem. I wanted nothing more than to respond with the same passion, and burst into tears, and sob because I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FRACK IS HAPPENING TO ME. OR WHY THE HELL I CAN’T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT, WITHOUT FEELING LIKE A CLASS-A IDIOT. But instead I did what I noticed I’ve been doing for far too long and internalized it. Just like I do every time. Because nobody really cares for my theatrics. And truthfully neither do I.
I feel ridiculous, even writing this. But then, the amount of traffic this site gets is comforting, because it is so low. And I feel ridiculous every time a TV show or a movie (or a picture/blog post from some celeb) has the power to make me smile, but real life doesn’t. I feel ridiculous every time everyone else is having a perfectly nice time, and I go in and ruin it just by showing my scowling/blank face.
They say I can change it, by JUST DOING IT and Getting Over Myself, but I can’t and I don’t know how to.
Nobody will tell me How. Nobody’s written a fracking guide. Nobody I know has entirely too much time on their hands to LISTEN to ME and HELP me FIX whatever is wrong.
EVERYTHING is EXHAUSTING.