I’m going to be upfront, and admit that I haven’t watched every movie in existence. Most of the movies I’ve watched were made no more than a decade before my year of birth. That is to say, 1996. But I think it is safe to say that I’ve watched some of the MOST AWFUL movies you can imagine. Just a heads-up, (500) Days of Summer and The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy won’t be there. Sorry. They are two of my favourites.
The Last of the Mohicans (1992)
Oh yes, I went there, Historically Inaccurate Movie Fans! this is officially one of the WORST films I’ve ever watched! Not only was it an impossible plot to follow due to the fact that all the actors LOOKED THE SAME, but it is really gory at times. I know it is hard to keep your eyes on the screen when a really angry Native American fellow rips an equally angry English Soldier’s heart out, and like, squishes it. In fact, all of my US History I Honors class knows this. IT IS NOT FUN.
Lord of the Flies (1963)
I wasn’t a really big fan of William Golding’s much-acclaimed Lord of the Flies because I found it really hard to follow for the first eight chapters or so, which is really unfortunate, considering the whole novel is just twelve chapters long. It might have been, in part, that my English teachers chose the most random questions ever, like ‘Who gets sand kicked in their eye?’ (spoiler alert: a littlun does!), but also that the book moves really slowly. The movie is a little like that, and also seeing LITTLE KIDS on screen makes it a lot harder to LIKE the story. I mean, THEY ARE SO YOUNG! and they are doing ALL THIS STUFF! like, how the frack do they just go back to being REGULAR CHILDREN? HOW!!!?!?!?!?!?!!?
Okay, so I really didn’t watch the movie just the trailer. And I know I am Zooey Deschanel’s and Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s BIGGEST FAN, but no. I AM SORRY, NO. It freaked me out. FREAKED ME OUT.
The Losers (2010)
Oh Dear Lord. I was constantly at a loss, wondering WHY THE HECK ANYONE WOULD WANT TO BE IN THIS MOVIE, because it made absolutely ZERO sense. The only redeeming fact was Chris Evans. Let the Nonsensical Captain America fangirling begin.
Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (2011)
Why? WHY? WHY? Can somebody please tell me why? Would it really have been that bad of an idea to just stop making these movies after Elizabeth and Will were married and then separated? Weren’t our hearts ripped to tiny enough shreds by then? Didn’t Johnny Depp get tired of being
permanently associated with ‘gay’ pirates? (Also, did the guy at MacLaren’s pub really think Marshall, and inevitably, Johnny Depp looked like a gay pirate?).
This particular film depicted arguably the world’s best musician in a particularly scary light. I mean, this man was A SLOB! so unlike the GENIUS we learn about from books, etc. He drank, he was arrogant, he was… a human male! And just to avoid misinterpretations (because, let’s face it, there are bound to be some) I mean that he wasn’t as Perfect and Genius-y as I’d been led to believe as a child. I mean, he was still a genius, but not a Genius.
The Twilight Saga 1-5 (2008-2012)
In sixth grade, I read the first three Twilight books. And then people went nuts over the movies, and how GREAT they were, and how the cast was SO HAWT, GURL, and how EDWARD was so MUCH BETTER THAN JACOB and vice versa. And HOW IT WAS THE NEXT HARRY POTTER (spoiler alert: never gonna happen). And then my common sense kicked in. Let’s just say, I don’t believe in Necrophilia. No matter how sparkly the corpse is. Nor do I accept Zoophilia being marketed to young women. Geez.
Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events (2004)
This movie was highly depressing. I mean, I should have seen it coming from the title itself, but this was just too much. I guess this is why I never read the books…
Nanny McPhee Returns (2010)
I think there were only two reasons for watching this movie when we rented it: 1. It was Nanny McPhee and 2. It had Maggie Smith listed as a cast member. Sadly, this movie was almost entirely unrelated to the first Nanny McPhee; no mention whatsoever of Anna or the kids. And Maggie had a total of five minutes of screen time More or less.
Get Him to the Greek (2010)
My sister and I are very big Katy Perry fans, so when we heard that she had supposedly met Russell Brand while shooting this film, we begged our dad to rent it for us. Our sole intention was to, you know, see who this Russell Brand guy was. But we ended up being more or less scarred for life. And trying not to implode every time we saw Carla Gallo on Bones as Daisy Wick. God. The Nightmares…
Role Models (2008)
Again, a movie we watched solely out of devotion to a movie star. In this case, the askfjgasd Paul Rudd. I should warn you, this is just the first of our (read: my mom’s and sister’s and my) Rudd-driven movie choices.
Our Idiot Brother (2011)
Before you say anything, look at the cast. Paul Rudd, Zooey Deschanel, Rashida Jones, Elizabeth Banks, Adam Scott and Emily Mortimer. See?