Tag Archives: rant

College? WHASSAT?

NO. NO. NOOOOOOO. Whyyyyyyyyyyyy???????


…I could probably finish this post right here. but. but. BUT. Because I am a selfless person who is willing to bring herself to whine to you people who obviously have nothing better to do, HERE Y’ALL GO:

I mean, this is hardly a new issue of teenagers. Lack of identity, direction, time to find more GIFs, et cetera, all important things… how can I just pick a college? D: I’m in my sophomore year of a private school in China, and our winter break is just coming to a close. and yesterday, my parents just decided that I should spend today deciding what colleges I wanted to possibly apply to so that we could plan our college tour, presumably occurring next summer.

And… I don’t even. whatttt? DX Where do I even start? I’ve used those “college match-up” services before and I WHAT HUH SO LOST. Location? I dunno probably East or West Coast but I mean really important to me or anything and my major? o_O something science-y maybe but oh god what if I don’t actually want or maybe I won’t be good at I mean I heard you don’t have to even pick a major yet until sophomore year of college? and. didn’t take the SATs yet. so. uh. okay, skipping that…

…tuition fees, ethnicity (WHAT IF THERE AREN’T ANY ASIANS AT THAT SCHOOL ERMAGERD NO WAY WHO WILL I FOB WITH), school type, school size, campus setting, public or private, historically black, so on and so forth. You get the point. By the end, the form has a few vague answers, all marked “Kinda” in “How important is this to you?” and a couple of thousand results.

I do have a dream school. I guess. o_O MIT. BUT HEY HEY HEYYYYYY before you all go judging me or whatever– I don’t even know if I really want to go there. To be honest, I got the idea that I wanted to go to MIT in kindergarten… when my school was having one of those winter boutique thingys where kids buy a bunch of crappy yet expensive gifts for family members… basically, when I was going through checkout I did mental math to get the total cost, so the mothers running the cash register, being the kind and encouraging community members that they were, advised me to go to MIT when I grew up.

so the moral of that story would be watch what you say to kids. ūüėõ Haha, mostly kidding though. It was a cool dream, I suppose, but now, I don’t know if I want to commit to that. Unfortunately, I always answered MIT the countless times to my parents asked me where I wanted to go for college while I was growing up. sooooooooo yeah :I
WOW this is already pretty long. uhm. I’ll probably cut this off here. but in any case, I guess I just wanted to close this by adding that… besides me just blubbering… any advice? I guess? >_<;;

TIME TO STOP PROCRASTINATING and piece together something for my mom~!


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“Why the Sour Face?”

“Why the Sour Face?” is a question I get several times a day, from the same two people.

Every day, they tell me to change up my attitude, because it’s harshing their mellow (btw, not their actual words, but that’s the gist of it).

Every day I get told my life is gonna suck if I don’t display a more open/likeable/less moody version of myself.

Every day, they tell me I better change. Fake it ’till you make it, they suggest.

And Every Bloody Day I ask myself  How On Earth I Am Supposed to Look HAPPIER, or Not Look So Sour or Turn The Blank Look of Blankness into A Happy Facial Expression.

And when I try (because God knows I do, even if it’s not when They are near me), I seriously WANT IT TO BE REAL. And I want it to not feel like I am faking it, because then I’m back to square one.

It’s come to mind that maybe I’m listening to too much SAD music like The Smiths, Death Cab for Cutie (because let’s face it: their music inspires tears and an overwhelming feeling of inadequacy/emptiness through its beauty), Hall & Oates and Adele (same reason as Death Cab, I guess…), so I’ve cut back in my music-listening habits. I’ve given Fun. a shot, and I’ve been listening to maybe too much Katy Perry and avoiding Taylor Swift at all costs (but for a different reason altogether). But nothing.

I though that maybe I was watching too much depressing stuff on TV (like¬†Bones?) but I haven’t really watched anything Emotionally Wrenching lately, except for THE POND EPISODE all the way back in FRACKING SEPTEMBER. The rest has been the occasional¬†SNL, or¬†Ben & Kate, or whatever people want to watch after dinner. But still.

Today during lunch, my father had one of his Passionate Outbursts in Re: My Sourness/ Attitude Problem. I wanted nothing more than to respond with the same passion, and burst into tears, and sob because I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FRACK IS HAPPENING TO ME. OR WHY THE HELL I CAN’T DO¬†ANYTHING ABOUT IT, WITHOUT FEELING LIKE A CLASS-A IDIOT. But instead I did what I noticed I’ve been doing for far too long and internalized it. Just like I do¬†every time. Because nobody really cares for my theatrics. And truthfully neither do I.

I feel ridiculous, even writing this. But then, the amount of traffic this site gets is comforting, because it is so low. And I feel ridiculous every time a TV show or a movie (or a picture/blog post from some celeb) has the power to make me smile, but real life doesn’t. I feel ridiculous¬†every time¬†everyone else is having a perfectly nice time, and I go in and ruin it just by showing my scowling/blank face.

They say I can change it, by JUST DOING IT and Getting Over Myself, but I can’t and I don’t know how to.

Nobody will tell me How. Nobody’s written a fracking guide. Nobody I know has entirely too much time on their hands to LISTEN to ME and HELP me FIX whatever is wrong.

It’s Exhausting.


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On the Ethics of Shipping (Harry Potter)

Happy Birthday, Harry Potter and J.K. Rowling!! Today is Harry Potter’s 32nd Birthday and J.K. Rowling’s 47th!!!

And yesterday was Professor Neville Longbottom’s 32nd Birthday, so Happy [Belated]¬†Birthday to him, as well!!! ūüôā ūüôā ūüôā

Shipping in the Harry Potter fandom to me¬†seems to be¬†just amazingly complicated. For¬†instance:¬†Sure, I ship Severus/Lily but would cry for WEEKS if Harry Potter ceased to exist! Wouldn’t anybody? And also: How are you supposed to ship Dramione if this means Scorpius would not be born? (And: Is partial shipping even possible? Like, by definition, can I ship Remus/Sirius SOMETIMES¬†instead of¬†ALL THE TIME?? Because I love Tonks, I really do…) But¬†I seem to always be able to find a way around this; my real shipping ethics don’t¬†come into play until Harry Potter himself comes up.

In general, I consider myself a Fairly Strong Shipper of Harry/Ginny. I mean, it’s near impossible to imagine them not together; it would be simply Not Right. However, I absolutely despise most Harry/Ginny fanfiction. I mean, I would rather read Hermione/Ron fanfiction than Harry/Ginny, and I HATE Ron. ESPECIALLY with Hermione.*

[*This goes back to me hating Ron’s personality, I think. He’s really mean and obnoxious and insensitive and just plain immature¬†for most of the time. Specifically towards Hermione. And I know what you’re saying, that¬†young boys express their feelings for girls by making fun of them, but you know what? I could make that same argument for Draco, who is less mean and obnoxious and insensitive and immature towards Hermione and instead just likes picking on her. So if that was true, wouldn’t it be Draco who liked Hermione? Exactly.]

The main reason I dislike most Harry/Ginny fanfiction¬†is probably because Ginny is a very hard character to write. I would know. I’ve tried. Her personality is less simple and defined than Harry’s, always the Determined Hero, or Hermione’s, the Bookworm, or even Voldemort’s, the Heartless Bad Guy. Instead, she’s¬†something of a¬†mix between several archetypes. She’s a bit of a Tomboy, but she’s also Independent and a¬†Fiercely¬†Loyal Friend. She is Sporty and has had LOADS of Boyfriends. So all in all, she’s pretty confusing. This makes it exceptionally hard for people who are not J.K. Rowling to write her completely In Character; the only really great Ginnys¬†I have read are written by Dramione authors, who mostly focus on the Fiercely Loyal Friend part of her character.

That being said, I much prefer to read Harry/Hermione fanfiction, although I do not ship Harmony in canon¬†AT ALL. I have no idea why this is. I guess I might like the fluffiness that is usually present in these stories? This shipping is certainly much different from my OTPs¬†(TTPs?), Draco/Hermione and Artemis/Holly, as¬†the fics¬†are¬†pretty much Pure Fluff without any Sarcastic Humor¬†and Sharp Wit. And so in that way, it may be me Looking For Something Different. But it also might be just because it’s so interesting to think about how Harry and Hermione’s friendship could have, under different circumstances, developed into Something More. So I really have no clue about the reasons behind my unorthodox attraction to Harry/Hermione fanfiction. But I do know that reading it is far more enjoyable than reading Harry/Ginny fanfiction.

Happy birthday again to Harry, J.K. Rowling, and Neville!!

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On Bitchfacing…

For most people, it doesn’t seem too hard to always go around with a smile on their faces. It seems that they can go around¬†entire days looking perfectly happy. I don’t get it. I, on the other hand, have spent a lot of time trying to perfect my Bitchface. It wasn’t something I did on my own–I did have help from Tavi’s Bitchface ¬†DIY on Rookie–nor is it something I did because I had a Perfectly Legitimate Reason for doing it. I’m not around people I don’t like–or trust– enough to have an Actual Excuse for not being Entirely Open, and Seemingly Perfectly Happy. I just did it because I ¬†found it interesting that people can put up Proverbial Walls around themselves and remain Perfect Mysteries to the Rest of The World.

This whole, er, concept, utterly baffled the Glamour and Etiquette Lady. As a Psychiatrist, she said, it was her¬†job and calling to Get Inside People’s Heads, and that my Perpetual Bitchface made it quite clear that I had been traumatized as a child. She also didn’t fail to point out that my fondness for the color black (I was, at the time, wearing black sneakers and the black Towel Day ’12 tee Maddy gave me) meant I was a very somber person. She told me to ask myself¬†why I always insisted on “closing myself” off.

Very well.

I actually started trying to put up the Proverbial Walls, after spending rather too-much time watching Fox’s¬†Bones and reading too much fan-fiction. It just seemed fun to, you know, puzzle people. I’d always been awed by the way Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s Dr. Watson was all too easily baffled by Sherlock Holmes’ icy exterior. And then again, I loved the way Temperance Brennan (both Emily Deschanel’s TV interpretation, as well as Kathy Reichs’ ink-and-paper character) could quite literally turn her face into an impenetrable¬†mask, hiding her emotions from everyone (except from one Seeley Booth, or Andy Lister, depending on the medium…). ¬†Then, I realized I couldn’t stand people very much. I absolutely despise having to¬†deal with people.

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